Thursday, September 11, 2008
its times like these that i really regret. i regret so much.
i've found my happiness. maybe you've found yours too. i duno. honestly i couldnt really be bothered much about you. neither can he.
i dont know whether you still come to my blog or not, my guess is no?
hahas. you better not come!!
i've finally found mine. someone that allows me to be me on the phone, when i'm with him or where-ever, whenever i want to.
he isnt like you bastards who tell me to do this and do that just because you feel like it. just because you're in a bad mood doesnt mean that i dont have the right to portray my own fucking emotions. get a grip on yourself.
you might say this thing between him and i is just something temporary. its not. dont tell me i'm fucking being childish. YOU dont know what the shit your saying. just cuz you've never experienced true love before doesnt mean that i should get deprived of it too.
just because you have never experienced the comfortability of being fully and truely open with another party doesnt mean that i cant be too
just cuz you havent found the one (and FYI i think she's way way nicer than you) doesnt mean that i will never found my soul mate
CUZ I HAVE. dammit.
WHY MUST YOU PEOPLE DEPRIVE ME OF SOMETHING I RIGHTFULLY FOUND MYSELF?!
DID I STEAL YOURS? NO RIGHT.
stop nagging
even if i do get cheated of my feelings in this, i'm willing. cuz i'm experiencing something totally new to me. A person's care and concern lasting over 3 days.
ACTUALLY IT HAS BEEN OVER THE PAST 3 MONTHS.
so get real, get a grip, and get lost.
[[sign off name]]
9:33 PM
Thursday, September 4, 2008
new theory.
love is a feeling inexplicable by words, a feeling to complicated for some to comprehend.
honestly. dont tell me you care about me and i apparently dont need this person to get love and attention from.
i do. just because you didnt have it doesnt mean i shouldnt have my rights in getting love. if you truely care about me, why cant you just trust that i know what i'm doing with my already fucked up life?
dont tell me about friends. i have friends. i appreciate them. i really do. they accept me for who i am, emo all. if you cant. just fuck off. okay? leave me and my life alone.
i have my friends and him.
people that have never been concerned about me are suddenly asking how my day was. yeah right. i dont know if this is just a show but yeah. i know the possibility of it being just a show is probably 90%? or maybe its san fen zhong re du. its always short lived.
stop pretending to care just because you dont want me to embarass you. i have my problems but i never will include or bring my family into my fucked up shit. i know what i can and cant do. even if i do, all of you will just not believe me, or give me that 'i'm paying attention but who the fuck cares about what you say' kind of look.
its seriously damn irritating and yupp, i just wanna smack your face when i see that.
dont think that you can be as close to me as my friends. dont think that just because i have a special someone now you can use that to your advantage. no. i know he will stand by me. and why do i know that? hah! its cuz we can brave everything together. you have no idea what shit i went together with him. if you think its just petty problems like not enough attention and parents calling up to scold, its so much more than that. YOU'LL BE SCARED OUT OF YOUR FUCKING GAY PANTS WHEN I TELL YOU.
oh wait. you wont believe me anyway.
you'll never be as close to me as my friends or him. so stop trying. stop pretending like you even give a damn. please. its disgusting.
i could have been close to you, or rather i was. but! hoho. you just brought it to a whole new level. i trust that you're not reading my blog cuz yeah, after all the cursing and swearing at you people, i'm surprised that no one has called my parents or me to scold me. hahas!
even if that happens, i'll still continue bitching. my blog my rules. deal with it fuckers. if not just click on that nice red box with a cross at the upper right hand corner of your screen.
yes, i do bear grudges. new huh? not the nice and polite chinara you knew? yupp the word is 'knew' here. so yeah. past tense.
[[sign off name]]
6:44 PM
Sunday, August 31, 2008
yes yes yes!!!!
yay! fucking happy today. fucking happy cuz i found out that i wont have to see fucking people's faces! yay! oh my fucking gosh! damn damn happy!
wheee... michelle says my blog is R21.. hmms. that goes to show i'm matured? hahas. what kinda stupid inference is that. oh wells.. back to mugging^^
[[sign off name]]
9:49 PM
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
okay, there's some confusion. let me get this straight.
i'm not talking about anyone from st nicks
i'm not talking about anyone from church
gender.. both guy and girl. i'm pissed at more than just a person
age.. hah! actually i duno.
yupp. stop asking if i'm pissed at you babe. i'm not. its some other fucker in my life.
[[sign off name]]
8:28 PM
okay, i'm fucking pissed today. just fucking pissed.
i really wonder, god made people for a reason right. he gave us freewill which equals to sins. i dont understand. god gave you a brain for a reason!!! use it can?!
oh my fuck. i really dont get why i have to be so fucking affected by what people think/ assume. why must i let it affect me?! why do questions the so frequently ask have to keep singing in my fucking head? i live my life for myself, not for those fucked up people.
stop pretending like you care. if you cared, you would know how to keep a secret to yourself. when i mean yourself i mean whatever i tell you doesnt come out of your mouth. fuck lahhs. so much for trust huh. maybe it could be to my advantage. but hello?! ITS A SECRET!
according to the oxford dictionary, a secret is something hidden or concealed. and yeah, i went to look it up. -.- thats just in case you fuckers dont understand what a fucking secret is.
ahh i'm so pissed. the more i think of it the angrier i get. ah fuck! i dont fucking give a damn whether you constantly visit my blog to get the latest updates in my life or whatever. its my fucking blog! i have the right to say what i wanna say.
if you're looking at this post and the previous few and going 'huh? who's she talking about?' i swear.. YOU'RE FUCKING DUMB! oh my gosh. use your fucking brain! YOU LAHHS!
grr, i'm not naming names. anyway even if i did no one would know who you are anyway. yes, cuz you're that insignificant. no one gives a fuck about you. i should have figured that only losers hang out with losers. thats why you only have 'THAT' paticular place to go every weekend.
like whatever. i just thank god i dont have to see you fuckers everyday of my life. its just once in a blue moon that i see you. I'LL MAKE IT ONCE IN A GREEN MOON THAT I SEE YOU! i'll cock up the randomest and lamest excuses just to avoid you. no i'm not scared of you. i just dont need to see your face to ruin my week or my appetite.
ALL YOU BASTARDS AND BITCHES BETTER FUCK OFF.
i swear, if i have to bite, i will.
chinara's no longer that stupid innocent little girl. i bear grudges. i seriously do. and yes, i have a few major problems with you people. notice that i'm not talking to you on msn? YEAH BITCH! get the hint. although i dont talk to you much but yeah. now's just 0. a big fat ZERO!
fuck off. leave me and my miserable life alone.
i dont need posers pretending that they care/ or are able to relate
[[sign off name]]
5:10 PM
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I LOVE MY DADDY AND MUMMY^^whoah.. for the fucking first time in my fucking life some recognition to what i have acheived can. omg. they actually rewarded me despite my sucky results in chinese o levels. hahas oh wells. i got a new headset today!! i love it <33>
yupps, as for you. i'm still fucking pissed at you guys. i dont give a fuck whether you are reading this or not. i dont think you can even be bothered to come to my blog anyway. you wanna wage a war with me come lah. i'm so fucking not scared of you.
maybe the next time i see you guys i'll just pretend that everything's okay. hah! when in fact its not. i dont get it. i confided in you cuz i thought you could understand. i really did. what the fuck did you do. you go ask yourself lahh huhs
if you dont know, chinara might seem easy to walk over sometimes being totally quiet and not making a sound till i really cant take it anymore. however. she does bear grudges. AND IT TAKES FUCKING LONG TO MAKE ME FORGIVE YOU.
for goodness sakes, dont make me smack you in the face. the next time i see you please dont come up to me and ask 'so chinara how have you been'
OMG. you already know the bloody answer. dont ask me something thats so fucking obvious.
ah fuck. looks are seriously deceving.
chng bought us choc today!! shared with yeeyin.. hahas michelle told this stupid joke about pencils and condoms.. hahas. yay! other than those fucked up people today went quite okay. but i wont say the same about tmr. i feel sick..
thank god those fucked up people arnt in st nicks.
[[sign off name]]
1:31 AM
Sunday, August 17, 2008
omg. i cant take this lying down.
looks are seriously seriously deceiving.
hahas. i duno what to say about you already. all i can say is, its my fucking life. stop bothering me and questioning me about my fucked up life can? i do what i want to do. not what you fucking want me to do. seriously.
thats all i can say. i dont even wanna see you now honestly. like someone asked me to call you to ask about some shit, i just didnt want to even hear your voice at all. thank god you are not a catholic in my church. otherwise i would have to dread going to church too just because i have to see you fucked up face.
i cant fucking stand you. really. dont be such a fucker can. like seriously. i cant take it.
once again. emphasis. MY LIFE NOT YOURS. SO FUCKING GET YOUR FUCKING FACE OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE.
thank you.
[[sign off name]]
10:01 PM
Saturday, August 16, 2008
emo. sounds familiar huh. i cant take it.
i cant down the fact that you're so fucking persistant. i seriously cant. whats your fucking problem?! my life or your life huh?
are you in control of my totally fucked up life? fuck no! get a fucking grip on yourself. know when to fucking budge in and when to fucking leave me alone can.
do you know me?! for goodness sakes. you fucking dont. i dont fucking give a damn whether you're reading this now, i dont give a damn whether you'll confront me or not. i dont give a fuck!
hard work doesnt pay off thats all i can say. really. and now what. i'm going to get demoralised by my parents for my grades this term. hahas fuck!
you think they will understand? fuck no!
they probably say ' yahhs you've been studying, but you're not persistant' like fuck lahhs.
i know i'm stupid can?! stop rubbing it into my fucking face.
oh my fuck i cant stop swearing.
WHY ISNT ANYTHING GOING MY FUCKING WAY?! huhs?
oh wells, i still have to fucking face the music in the end right. i just hope i dont get demoralised for my os. seriously.
hoho. A2 for chinese. i sincerly thank god for his blessings. at least i didnt get something lower.
new aim for os : 7 POINTS
yahhs right chinara. like that would fucking happen
[[sign off name]]
4:34 PM
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
okay.. yeeyin asked me to post.. so yupp i shall spent a few moments in my blog
today... hmms not so bad lahhs. had like loads and loads of slack time. the best was during chinese!
hahas michelle tang fell asleep on jodie. damn funny. but she sleeps damn early, at least earlier than me.. hmms i wonder what she's up to.. lols
yeeyin kept playing with her rubix cube. hahas she solve damn fast can.
oh! i realised that yeeyin's signature line is 'FUCK YOU'. hahas
she said it i duno how many times today already. oh wells. tmr's another terrible day. got chem test.
sometimes i wonder why i even bother to study when i know i'm gonna fail anyway
hahas.
okay i'm done blogging.
love you all
[[sign off name]]
10:00 PM
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
yay!!! english oral is finally over!!!!
i dont expect much to come out of it but yeah, i just hope and pray to do well hahas.
there's another math test tmr.. ahh shucks.-.- oh wells, we all know who is gonna ace it. ahas
yupp, maybe yeeyin is right, being yourself means being at ease in everything you do. i think i'm not giving myself the opportunity to be at ease, always trying to meet up to other's expectations.
i knew i always had good friends around me. thats whats keeping me from crumbling down.
Jodie
Michelle Tang
Michelle Anne
Serene
Xiao Qi
Isabelle
yupp, i have to thanks especially this group of wonderful friends who always keep me going.
life wouldnt be the same without you guys!
ILY
[[sign off name]]
10:36 PM
i'm bent, i'm desperate. desperate to be myself, to finally know what being chinara is like. not being in the light of deception, of fufilling all the hopes of others, all but the hopes and dreams of myself.
everytime i try to, it always lands up into trouble, in chaos in either my life or someone else. its so hard to find people to trust these days. you cant even keep a number to yourself. you had to tell huh. i'm still in anticipation to hear your explaination.
i dont know whether everyone's assumption of you is correct. i dont know you very well. i cant judge you. but let me get this straight. if you do, i'm sorry i dont want to. i really dont want to. i dont want you in my life at all.
if you are the backstabbing bastard everyone i know says you are, please stop acting nice. omg for goodness sakes. i cant stand people like you.
is it so hard not to put on a mask when you are in front of people? do you feel as sense of acomplishment telling on others to get what you want? huh? well, if you want someone to be sad and feel demoralised because of what you did then yes, you've got it
i hope you are happy now cuz i'm certainly not.
i'm not chinara anymore. chinara lee is gone with the wind. yes, she still has michelle (s) and jodie and xiaoqi and serene. yahhs. they are there to pull her up but by how much?
i really hope you are happy by the result of your doing. lets just hope guilt doesnt get to you huh.
i've got nothing more to say to people like you. seriously.
[[sign off name]]
2:17 AM
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
you know how people say not to say things too early for the worst is yet ahead? yeah. i'm not taking anymore chances with myself or him. wow. its already our second month. like today!
although not as smooth sailing as i hoped it would be but yeah, at the very least we have each other, knowing for a fact that love is something very evident on this relationship built on the foundation of God's mercy and virtues.
i believe that God will find a way out of this screwed up situation. its like a test to see how devoted and steadfast we are in God and the faith. well, i'm not going to give up praying and hoping. i'm really not. i believe that God truly can make miracles happen. it just takes time.
i dont know what to expect in the future, all i know is that i will be braving all the treacherous storms and rainy weather with you. after the rain there's always sunshine. with sunshine, there is a possibility of a rainbow appearing.
it might seem that we're all alone now with both sides of our parents coming down on us, but at least we have each other and God is here for us. he has been and will always be here for us. all we have to do is close our eyes and pray.
so like yeah. i'm still fucking pissed but i know that wont lead me anywhere anyways. it would just make me feel super demoralised over some bitch that i dont even know? hahahs. ridiculous.
there are many ways to get back at her, silence is not a sign of weakness. and my parents are definatly not low class you fucking bitch.
YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO SAY THAT. they are of higher class than you. at least my mum's not a fucking bitch unlike.. ahem.
ya, you can call me cheap, saying that i'm leading him on and playing with his feelings. but when you insult my parent that is the last straw. i might seem nonchalent about them and their feelings but yeah. God gave us a mouth. its up to us to use it due to free will. so yeah you can use yours i can use mine. fair bitch? oh wait. you dont know the definition of fair. hah!
whee.. in terms of social standing, yeah your partner is definatly of higher ranking than you. you're just some person who got dragged up the social ladder cuz of something called a marriage cert. hoho.you really think you can get your way huh. you really think you make sense thats why you win all the time? ehhs. fuck no.
they let you win. THEY LET YOU WIN. i cant emphasise that enough. its to stop your fucking nonsense and childish pettiness so that a house can actually be considered a home for them to return to. WAKE UP CAN. geez.
think you're all that but you're not. with the stupid dining ettique and all, when you dont even practice what you preach. hoho. loser...
and yes, i do have a problem with you.
[[sign off name]]
7:28 PM
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
okay. pen knife right beside me now. all i have to do is push the blade out and volia! BLOOD.
fuck. damn fucking tempted to do that now. when i said nothing is going well i mean nothing is going well. like practically nothing!
chinara why is your life so fucked up? people might think you're dwelling in self pity but who gives a fuck about other people. your life or theirs? wake up can?!
lets just get to the point lahhs. my blog url got let out. someone i know has it. like fuck. i'm not gonna restrict myself to what i write just because you have my URL. its my blog, my rules. i get to say whatever i want. you dont wanna read just click the red 'X' button on the right top hand corner of your screen.
okay, one of the only things that have been keeping me going since sec 3 is like slowly fading away. like its so slow that it prolongs the pain. it hurts so badly. i looked forward to every sunday just so that i could see you. counting down the days to sunday makes the week pass oh so much faster. even though i didnt know you then, your warm presence just comforts me when you walk in on sundays. now what?some random person wants to ruin my fairytale. from a happily ever after to a possibility of not even having an ending at all? even if the ending really comes to reality it would be through many obstacles. i'm not strong enough for that. thats why i have you and god in my life.
when i found out that you liked me too, who could i tell? i could just scream in my heart and like be overjoyed to the max. i wanted to tell people, people who were supposedly closest to me. people whom i thought i could turn too until P6 when they arnt as simple as they seem. even family has family politics. its like living in school all over again. when i say something is so fucking bimbotic or its just a fuck full of nonsense. yeah i know. dont have to emphasise further. i'm dumb but not stupid.
now everything's going down the drain. my so called good results this term might not even happen. someone is calling me a cheap slut asking me to stay away if not she would call my parents for bothering someone she calls dear. (according to her)
oh fuck you lahs. why must you of all people turn my life upside down? huhs? i dont even know you can. now if you call up and complain to them that i'm so called stalking that 'closely related' person of yours. hello? he contacts me and vice versa? try controlling your own kid before you try to control other people's children can? yeah.they would think that i'm a disgrace. hah! is that what you want? as i said in my previous post, THINK BITCH THINK!
yeah, i wouldnt be given the liberty to explain. parents take the sides of outsiders as yeah they feel embarassed that someone else is lecturing and scolding your daughter for something thats supposedly my fault. would you take the time to actually ask for MY side of the story? no. i guessed so. you would be too caught up in your ego to differentiate whats right from wrong, even if it means siding your own daughter and actually believing in her for once in your life.
true love cant be forced. it cant be broken either. the only two people who can break up true love are the people involved in the relationship in the first place. no outsider can interfere. if we let some random person interfere and affect us to a point of a break up, then i need to find a new definition of true love. i know you're not like that. i know you need the reasurrance cuz you say no one's there for you.
dear i am there for you just like you are there for me in my darkest moments, encouraging me as i go.
like fuck. i just typed out all that shit realising that no one would understand anyway. cuz true love is experienced once in a lifetime, if you cant relate, hahs you get what i mean^^
god didnt do all this on purpose. i'm trying to keep my faith alive and hopfully it doesnt drown in my sins cuz if i'm pissed i swear,you'll see more than just cuts and hear more than just fucking bitching around.
wait and see bitch. wait and see. try as you might, if you wanna call my parents call lahhs. i cant be bothered with you.. though i dont have much confidence that my parents would side me but you cant break up true love. this isnt puppy love at all. its a feeling that has been developed silently over 2 years and has not faded till today. its just getting stronger and stronger. if you think by giving us hell we would break up please continue hoping. i wont say praying cuz this isnt what god's telling you to do. you're reading a wrong sign. its the devil like duhh!
geez. i didnt know you were that dumb
[[sign off name]]
5:15 PM
okay. i'm seriously tempted to cut myself.
nothing is working out. my blog url got let out to someone who is not supposed to know. and not to mention, i have some major misunderstanding.
fuck fuck fuck. is all that shit i went through to just let this all go down the drain? is it? why? why must i feel so bloody helpless at this point of time when i'm supposed to be studying for my math test tmr.
since when have you given him the respect and understanding and personal space he deserves? huhs?! respect is not to be demanded you butch. its supposed to be earned.
ask yourself a few questions before you shoot carelessly can?
1. what made you so angry
2. is it worth yourself getting so angry over?
3. is this going to improve your relationship?
4. is there a better way to solve problems rather than just throwing your temper and your
weight around thinking your the most superior?
5. why take it out on someone you dont even know?
for any relatioshop to work out, there must me mutual respect and understanding. yes you are giving him freedom but how much are you giving? is it a reasonable amount?
look at him for once in your life. when i mean look i mean look closely. see the scars on your his arm? LOOK AT IT. DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THESE ARE CAUSED BY A FALL? SO MANY? AND SOME RUNNING PARALLEL TO EACH OTHER?! hello? no fall can cause that can. USE YOUR BRAIN!
omg. i know you're smart. seriously. go infer man! or do i have to do it for you?
imagine! you and _______ are demanded to do what you're requesting. like during one of the most important years of your life determining your future. you're so attached to him, do you think you are able to concentrate? dont tell me you can set your priorites right and do what your told. if you are human, you would tend to miss the person and suffer from heartbreak leading to EMONESS.
just think can? why does he dao you? why does he seem like he doesnt care about you? you only care for him at your convenience. i hit the spot right? you think you're doing your job by forcing what you think is best for him. have you ever asked for his opinion huhs? seriously. do what he thinks is best for himself, find a compromisation point. dont just demand things to go your way.
THINK ABOUT IT. SLOWLY IT WILL COME. NO HURRY. I KNOW YOU CANT REGISTER SO MUCH INFO AT ONCE.
ahhh.
omg i cant stand people like you. i really cant. mind your own business
[[sign off name]]
12:56 AM
Monday, August 4, 2008
omg chinara lee you can just go fuck yourself can.
omg omg omg omg. i can just say omg.
something really scary happened when i went downstairs last night. shall not elaborate further. i dont wanna scare myself further
things not going that smoothly in school either so therefore my conclusion is:
fuck life
fuck school
fuck everything except XXXXX
omg the only thing keeping me up and alive now is god and him. without them i think i can really just go die now. they shine light into my dreary world full of haunting memories. they are always there to pick me up after i fall. they would also never hesitate to back track to help me up if i fall.
they have my back. they support me. i love you <33
[[sign off name]]
9:33 PM
Saturday, August 2, 2008
i just realised that yupp.my life has officially turned upside down.
having house warming today and my mum woke me up at 4 plus scolding me and asking me why iwas still asleep at that time. after that i was sent back to my room to clean up.
sounds like cinderella. omg!
school, just dreading the whole fucking thing. many problems.. haiz.
many misunderstandings, many things that are way way more than misunderstandings that are BLOWN BIG.
hahas i love the two michelles and jodie too cuz like jodie said, they are goofy and oh so lovable. especially mt. always going 'okay lor'
i hope today becomes better. really really.
[[sign off name]]
4:50 PM
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
is there a point in regretting? is there a point in reminiscing?
its already too late, what happened has already happened.
i could have done this i could have done that to avoid it. but hello, there have been many people around you hinting to you that you shouldnt have attempted it in the first place.
i have tried to, but instead i got walked over. again.
somehow i'm used to it, its not going to be the first neither is it going to be the last.
your actions have not only affected me, but it has made many people around you realise that you arnt as simple as you think you are.
stop feigning innocence for goodness sake. we all know you are aware of what you are doing.
or are you just so fucking insensitive to other people's feelings despite us making it so fucking obvious for you.
stop asking me whats wrong with me when i walk pass you. fucking infer can? or must everything be spelt out in front of your face?
can you just spare a thought for others. others meaning anyone besides yourself. even the simplest minded and guai-est person can finally find you hard to be around with. why? go ask yourself.
can you stop asking me why this and why that. fucking ask yourself some of the bloody obvious questions before you ask me. stop lecturing me about my life when you cant even fucking handle your own.
you have caused many people to suffer because of what you single handedly did. you might not find it that big of a deal because to you it might be something that comes rather naturally, you might think that people dont mind what you're doing.
WAKE UP CALL! THEY DO!
you tell me you're feeling hurt cuz you're being daoed. whatever. if you ask me, you deserve it. can you bloody look at yourself in the mirror and wonder why 3/4 of the people you know are ignoring you?! i can tell you why. they're coming to me and asking me how i can stand a person like you.
i can tell you, i do like you as a friend. but you really push your limits sometimes. now that you have caused this problem i am going to help you clear your name. but if you push it further, i can tell you i dont think i can take it anymore.
i dont know if you know that i have a blog. but if you do happen to come across it, i dont give a shit. seriously. i've had enough. stop living in self denial can. you're already 17.
[[sign off name]]
9:05 PM
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
oh man today rocked lahhs! except from the part of being emo and all, tryign my best to find the best time to convey the msg to vicki and michelle.
well i did! and yupp. it wasnt so bad. they were just curious on how we progressed and all. i'm super happy today cuz yahhs
I LOVE VICKI CHNG!!
I LOVE MICHELLE TANG!!
yupp, it really rocks having understanding friends who dont doubt you and actually clarify before jumping to conclusions, supporting you all the way!! oh mann i love them to bits and pieces!! the only thing keeping me running these days.
so yahhs, those that are in need of such great friends please go away, i dont mind sharing friends but yahhs. i love vicki and michelle!!
yay yay!! i dont feel so sad anymore><
chinese listening was today. the options were damn closely related lahhs. oh wells. going to buy teenage with vicki tmr cuz there's FIR there. hahas
love you guys!!
[[sign off name]]
11:24 PM
Monday, July 14, 2008
things arnt all that bad. they really arnt.
i saw 25 really inspiring phrases which brought me to my senses
- give god whats right and not left
- man;s way leads to hopeless end. god's way leads to an endless hope
- a lot of kneeling would keep you in good standing
- he who kneels before god can stand before anyone
- in the sentence of life, the devil might be a comma, but never let him be the period
- dont put a question mark where god puts a period
- are you wrinkled with burden? come to church for a face lift
- when praying, dont give god instructions, just report for duty
- dont wait for six strong men to take you to church
- we dont change god's message. god's message changes us
- the church is prayer conditioned
- when god ordains he sustains
- exposure to the son can prevent burning
- plan ahead. it wasnt raining when noah built the ark
- most people want to serve god, but in an advisory position
- suffering from truth decay? brush up on your bible
- excercise daily walk with the lord
- never give the devil a ride, he would want to drive
- nothing ruins the truth by stretching it
- compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back
- he who angers you controls you
- worry is the darkroom in which negatives develop
- give satan an inch and he'll be a ruler
- be ye fushers of men, you catch them and he'll clean them
- god doesnt call the qualified. he qualifies the called
yupp. i can infer from these lines.
i'm not going to ask god for any thing, but just pray for acceptance for what he gives me. i'll pray for guidance, i'll pray for determination, i'll pray for perservation, i'll pray for faith
other than that, no. i'll leave it in god's hands. all these stuff happen for a reason, and yah, i caused one of them. but people dont get to decide what my punishment is, god does. and if you think you have me within your control you're so wrong. god does, he doesnt want his children to get hurt anytime. its because of free will that we sin. we had a choice to go the right where god is or to the left where the devil is. we might chose the left sometimes, not knowing that god is there for us, through our troubles always trying to steer us onto the correct path once again. as long as we repent and we say we're sorry (and mean it) god will create a u-turn for you, he will still love you.
for my grandma, if he really takes her away, its to end her suffering. and i'll be glad that she is out of pain and stress from this illness. i'll be sad yes, but we all have to go one day, and i'll rejoice to the fact that she is going to a much much better place, a place free of worry and sorrow, free of pain and suffering
as for you, i really dont know. its my fault. but i'm not going to let you control me, yes i will try to make it up to you. i'm not running away from my problems. you wanna watch me die huh? okay. there is a god up there, whether you believe it or not there is a god. he died for our sins, for sinners, people that were far less worthy as compared to him. you wanna do things to me okay, just dont hurt innocent people. you wanna watch me crash and burn? okay. but make sure its me and me alone. me as in chinara lee. FULLSTOP.
you dont control me. physically you wanna, i dont have a choice. i'm at fault for breaking my promises.dont tell me you havent broken a single promise in your life? dont say i broke mine first. you had a choice, if you chose the left path, then good luck to you. i did chose the left path, now i am saying sorry lord, please let me love and trust you again. i know that god will forgive me. 'he who angers you controls you' yupp. i fully agree. physically you can control me, you can give me your so called punishment. however, it is the father in heaven that would decide on my ultimate punishment.
if seeing me miserable makes you happy, by all means, come. i wont be angry. i just hope that you would hold to your promise of only meeting up in november.after that, i'm at your disposal. i'm not being noble. i'm not bringing other people into our problem.
crash and die? okay.
vicki and michelle, i'm going to clear things up with you guys. i cannot afford to lose you guys over something very very trival. i could have told you guys from the start, but i guess i was scared. really really scared of judgement and critic. i should have realised from the start that you guys are my best friends, i should be scared to tell you if i claim you as my best friends. i'm really sorry, i hope that when i tell you, you wont be angry . i'm really really really sorry.
[[sign off name]]
9:42 PM
Saturday, July 12, 2008
my whole world is crashing. like really.
i just found out that my grandma may be seriously ill. and the best thing is, all she can tell me is, if she has another 3-4 years with us in this world, she would count herself seriously blessed. the best thing is, she wouldnt tell me what is happening to her. why is it happening to her. how it happened to her.
i went for charismatic mass yesterday. i can tell you, everything was fucking confirmed. there this part in mass where someone gets a message from god and he/she says something that anyone could be praying for. the most dreaded line came:
'i know there's someone out there praying for a loved one, that loved one could be suffering from cancer or an illness.'
'there is also a person who thinks she might be suffering from something, there's someone really worried about you'
its too much of a coincidence.and i believe in the holy presence of god, there are no such things as coincidences. everything happens cuz god wanted it to be.
i'm not blaming god. i just want to clear my doubts. i dont want to be left hanging. just tell me an answer please. if she suffering from an illness or not? if yes, what?
i dont want to lose the closest person i've had since young. i really dont want to. everyday before my birthday would be an emo day for me cuz it would be her birthday.
so many unanswered questions, so little answers.
i dont get it. why? how? when? what?
is this a test from god? really? is it?
why is he doing this? my grandma has never done anything very bad. always being so belovent and caring towards us. oh so selfless putting others before herself.
if he takes her away, why? is it to end her suffering?
everything happens for a reason. i know. but what is that reason?
please god. please help her. help me help her.
i'm at a loss now. please help.
[[sign off name]]
5:30 PM
Sunday, July 6, 2008
okay.. monday is youth day, a holiday. jodie says she wants to come burn my house. ahh as if. hahas
i have many many many many tests next week, plus an english compo to hand up. wtf. so stupid can.
tues--> a math test, english lit unseen, social studies test and english compre dead line
wed--> e math test
fri--> bio test
ahh fuck. i dont know. although i love the thought of ending my secondary school career, but the thought of having to take o levels in order to graduate just puts me off. ahh like fuck lahhs. we got to play for it somemore lahhs. like paying to suffer. wtf
i've come to a conclusion. there's no use being in a relationship or even staying purely as friends if there is no mutual trust. ahh fuck it.
chinara lee, you're one slow bitch lahhs. you took so fucking long to realise that. yupp, but now i've found someone better. hahas someone who can give me 100% sincere trust!
i love vicki and michelle and jodie and serene and xiaoqi!!!
[[sign off name]]
3:00 PM
Monday, June 30, 2008
infactuation/ obsession?
not really the smartest thing to do.
when you have it, its like the sunlight in darkness.
when its gone, your world just comes plunging down.
i'm not saying i'm experiencing this now, but i have a feeling its nearing.
i'm not gonna swear if it comes, i'm not gonna blame anyone.
and yes, i will get emo. 100% EMO. thats when i dont bother about people around me, what they say or do. i wont even talk.
i hope it doesnt come to that miserable state. really. thats when my life hits a dead end and there would be no chance of a u-turn.
yupp. my first emo post that i didnt swear in.
nicely done chinara. lets see how long it lasts.
[[sign off name]]
9:58 PM
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
this blog has been dead for like a really long time. oh wells. another emo post i guess.
wait! chinara you promised i dont know how many people not to be emo, so yahhs.
NO BEING EMO!GRR. i really thought term 3 would be better. well, lets just say school is damn fucked up.seth tan saw me at lentor with my friend. then the next day, he came to report to me. like wtf lahhs. people's personal life you also want to bother for what?!
nuts. exert some self control can? i'm already outside school, like no longer in 4 charity classroom so yahhs. fuck off. you're not the bloody boss of me mann. your house is like no where near there.
my dearest two friends still in a cold war. getting better but yeah. oh wells.
i've got no further comments. just that i will be there for both of you guys, and i wont back out or stop trying to reconcile you guys. i duno, i'm at my wits end. i love you guys!
what to do. its chinara lee. she's fucking hopeless.
[[sign off name]]
9:13 PM
Sunday, June 15, 2008
okay, today i woke up at 7 to go for POP in school. turns out, that camp was fucking not optional. and i didnt go!!!
i happily strolled in at 715 to the specs stand when cassandra and cheryl were giving me that' why you suddenly come for camp' kinda look.
renee yingqi and i helped to bring poles back to the shed. hahas train muscles ><>
THEY WERE DONE!!! i must say, way way more efficient compared to when my batch was in camp. hahas.
after that we realised that there was almost nothing else to do. so we went to the H2H room. and renee dear slept hahas. poor girl><>
[[sign off name]]
5:48 AM
Thursday, June 12, 2008
great today cant get any worse.
the moment i woke up i had a fight with my grandpa cuz apparently i've been very dao and neglecting everyone's advice and stuff.
come on lahhs. if you people have actually been concerned, you would have noticed the change in me? like duhh.
you see me like every fucking day. you cant even be bothered to notice what i have like on my arm. maybe vicki was right. cutters ask for attention.
oh wells. i'm not looking for attention from my friends cuz i know they are there for me. unlike the ones that i'm supposed to be closest to, my own family lahhs.
come on lahhs. i sit with them every fucking day during dinner, they cant be bothered to ask about my day. all they ask is 'so have you studied today?' wtf lahhs.
omg i cant stand it. but the consolation is that i have vicki jodie michelle ann michelle tang serene and xiao qi.
ohh. xiao qi dear, feel better yeah? everything will pass:) we'll be here for you^^
i love you guys loads
[[sign off name]]
3:40 PM
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
okay fine fine. you wanna consider all this shit to be so called 'excuses' and 'rebutals' i dont really have anything else to say to you cuz it would be considered to be that.
all i know is that this could have been fucking prevented. and i'm not like saying anything bad about you or anyone, but yeah.
1. why put your cash there in the first place
2. why only was your cash taken when my phone and wallet were there on top of my bag, being more visible and prominent than your cash?
3. how you know its her just cuz she 'hurt' you in the past? how you know it couldnt be the like other 300 plus people in the level?
urm i'm sorry if this offends you but i really cant find answers to these questions.
[[sign off name]]
7:35 PM
Monday, June 9, 2008
okay, i really dont care if you hate me and etc etc.. but seriously, i like can see you blogging about your besties and stuff, and can you imagine like seeing two of your best friends fighting?
and the best thing is, fighting over something that doesnt even concern or belong to them? like just based on an accusation ( i still dont see with what evidence) that so and so did this cuz of whatever.
sorry doesnt come out of anyone easily cuz i believe no matter how humble a person might be, there is always something called an EGO and pride present. you already said you took it down cuz you knew it was wrong, so now, i'm apologizing and you take it to be what? some random shit to please you.
FYI i dont have to please you, i can just go think whatever i want.
oh yeah, i remember you saying in one of your posts that this person who has a part to play in the 30 bucks thing used to be one of your friends. so to a certain extent shouldnt you like trust her? i know its like sorta hard to trust people, but if she was your friend then, like before this happened, why was the person you suspected her?
like why pin point her? the whole level was down for napha, including guides people who were doing banner and that time. seriously.. what made you suspect her?
i'm like not gonna protect her if she did something wrong. but i see really like no evidence pointing against her that proves she was the one.
i seriously dont care if you hate me or detest me. but i really dont want to see like the real theif like getting off scott free while we pursue this never ending issue.
[[sign off name]]
10:23 PM
Sunday, June 8, 2008
hmms. so now its my turn huh.. okay fine.
i'm so not gonna deny the fact that i blogged about you. cuz that would be seriously bitchy and somewhat cowardly.
from what i read from your blog, you're always spamming some person that you find irritating or offensive in your opinion. i'm like not gonna quote stuff from your blog but yeah, whether you've done it or not you should know really well.
you're having a taste of your own medicine now. it doesnt feel nice right?
just like when you blogged about that 30 bucks thing.. can you imagine how that person you were refering to would feel?
we are all like girls so like there is a certain like so called 'sixth sense' in all of us. i'm also sure irregarless of gender, we would feel hurt if someone did that to you.
yahhs, i admit, i was being really harsh and not considering your feelings when i blogged that post. but isnt that why we blog? like to release our frustrations, not to a person but like to an inanimate object, at least like we would be spared of sarcarstic comments and etc...
but i would just like to know why you accused this person of having to have some relation to you and the cash. like based on what evidence? were you there to witness it? or is it just a feeling?
i know i did wrong. i'm sorry for hurting your feelings.
whether or not you're gonna talk to me in future, its like your call. i'm like not gonna stop you from hating me and stuff but yeah.
[[sign off name]]
10:25 PM
Saturday, June 7, 2008
wheee.. i'm still emo but yupps feeling a little better today.
but yupps. after i listened to 光良- 握你的手. omg i felt super bad.
like i feel that like every thing has sorta gone down the drain. oh wells. i cant be bothered. i never knew being emo for so long could be so tiring. all i feel like doing whenever i feel emo is to SLEEP. and i have absolutely no appetite.
i havent eaten anything since yesterday 12 pm to today at around now (6 pm plus) except two pieces of bread with jam. and the amazing part is i dont feel hungry.
i just feel super tired and i just feel like going into a deep deep sleep for like a day plus or smthn. maybe longer. hahas.
nvm, apart from the fight, at least i know that vicki and jodie are still there for me as my friends. and i feel truly blessed for that.
cuz i know that it isnt everyday that you're able to find friends that know you and can truly relate to you. i'm so glad to have friends like vicki jodie michelle ann, michelle tang, serene and xiaoqi.
thats like my only consolation in this period of emoness.
i hope its a phase and it would pass.
YES CHINARA. THINK OF THE POSITIVES.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!
[[sign off name]]
7:16 PM
Thursday, June 5, 2008
this whole incident is gonna change me.
i dont really know and i cant really differentiate right from wrong. i'd do anything to divert this emotional pain away, even if it takes hurting myself to do it.
i used to seek refuge in vicki and jodie. but now that they're fighting its like my only emotional support is gone. i really dont wanna add to their problems and let my emo mood like affect them further cuz yahhs.. i love them loads
seriously, if i come to think about it, the only people i can turn to with problems are them. my parents. please lahhs, they would probably say ' why you emoing? you got a lot of time isit? dont need to study huh' thats if they actually noticed that i am emo.. which is like ONCE IN MY 16 YEARS. and it was over my sec 3 EOY results. all they said when they saw me crying was 'never study then now come and regret huh'
i dont deny that i didnt study hard enough but it would be nice if they werent so direct.
other than praying and talking to god, and vicki and jodie with them giving me advice.. there isnt really any other person i can talk to.
ohh. there's david though.. but how often is he online.. like yeahh..
fabian? please lahhs. he would comfort me for a bit then ask me to quit it.-.-
can you guys relate? its not that i dont want to trust/ believe either one of you.. in fact i do. i believe both sides of the story. it seems a bit weird but yeah.
i'm feeling like super alone now. yeah you guys are there for me. but with you guys fighting its like.. OMG. i dont know how to say. all i know is that i'm on a verge of an emotional breakdown..
EMO IS LOVE.
i saw the shirt today with michelle tang. I'M SO GONNA GET IT
[[sign off name]]
10:33 PM
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
山頂的風涼的想鑽進我內心
沉默是我們最近唯一的話題
看曾經親密的愛慢慢像友誼 愛是流星
一墜落就不停我們嘗試讓彼此差異能隱形
遺憾的是迴避不能解決問題當我疲倦的凝望妳憔悴表情
再不捨得 也該讓你遠離握你的手
堅持到最後一秒鐘哪怕愛要冰涼了
至少讓回憶是暖的瞭解比愛難多了
我們都盡力了也許溫柔
是停止(再)挽留握你的手
像耳語輕聲說保重讓眼睛就算濕了
不只是痛也有感動以前每一次揮手
都為了再握手但這一次 是為了放手
i'm really sorry. if you understand the lyrics, you might understand how i feel.
i dont want to let you go but yet i've given you chance and chance again. i'll be hurting myself and eventually my friends if this goes on.
my friends keep telling me that i've become more emo day by day. i dont deny this.
in fact i feel super lucky to have friends like vicki and the others who actually notice. i love you guys. but now.. everything is going really rough.
my love life is in a mess, my friends are in a mess. really. i dont know what to do now. all i know now is that i have to let go of one. i need to reduce my emo ness. and i'm sorry.i dont care if you think i'm selfish. i just cant let you into my life anymore. i dont have those kinda feelings for you anymore. it faded away with everything you did.
i love my friends more than i love you. i used to think that you were more important than them. but now i realise, they are far more important than you.
they give me support and not just sarcarstic comments unlike you.
i'm really sorry.
[[sign off name]]
10:01 PM
we finished school at about 1130 today hahas
HAD ORANGE BOWLLL. like finally.. hahas
i was super unlucky yesterday lahhs.. omg.
my maid broke a cup and i didnt see a piece on the floor so i scratched my foot. then immediately after that, i hit my foot against the pillar. like OUCH.
so now, i have a bruise and a cut on my right foot.
not to mention tripping over a branch while walking home, waiting for my maid downstairs cuzi thought i didnt bring my acess card when actually it was in my fucking bag.. wtf.
things in school still not going well, but i think its improving.. they were talking to each other today. although only a mere sentence but yeah.. at least its starting from somewhere.
LETS NOT LET A BIATTCHH RUIN THINGS FOR YOU GUYS YEAH?
hmms.. if this matter could be like put behind.. that would be really great. ITS ALL THAT BITCH'S FAULT!!!!
i seriously dont like yy no more..
[[sign off name]]
12:15 PM
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
hmms. its around 9 plus now.. i cant get blogger to set the fucking time properly. oh wells. i'm like supposed to be doing bio or smthn oh yeah!! MATHHH.
MS QUEK HAS BEEN BREATHING DOWN MY THROAT ABOUT IT!!
i really wanna do my work. i really do.
but somehow the moment i open my books my mind drifts off somewhere else.
i get like reminded of the times during math class when all of us were still laughing and stuff.. not over stuff that each other did but just cuz we were sorta happy to be there, with each other, enjoying each other's company..
i dont know if i'll ever get that kinda feeling back.
seriously, i dont mind people like have so called 'split personalities' cuz i think that like its at that very moment that the mood of the person matters..
i'm not gonna judge anyone.
and vicki if you ever pass by here, i really do trust you. seriously.
oh mann. i'm fucking emo
GUYS JUST MAKE UP!!! PLEASEE..
ITS LIKE OUR LAST YEAR TOGETHER ALREADY!!
[[sign off name]]
9:01 PM
omg. i'm super emo..
although like practically all my close friends are telling me that i've become even emo-er than usual. thats like wow.
i actually said no to shopping during the weekend. another WOW. like a first for me. hahas
maybe its cuz there's loads of pressure both in school and at home. and to make things worse, my two good friends are fighting and my life is a total wreck thanks to something called the INTERNET!!
fuck. i think i shall deem this as a sorta private blog?
hahas maybe.. then what the hell i insert a tag board for.. wth. just wasted time.-.-
oh wells. off to be emoo^^
[[sign off name]]
4:17 PM
